HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD

 By Elnathan John Via http://dailytimes.com.ng

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.
This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.
First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.
When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.
When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.
Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.
Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.
The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?
The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.
The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.
If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.
The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.
These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.
In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.
 

Federal Government Purchases 200 Cars for African First Ladies’ Use

The FG must have look at these models belonging to South Africa’s 3 “First Ladies” in their decision. Notice the BMW jeep?

Information has it that the ongoing African First Ladies Summit may be costing Nigeria government the host nation billions of naira as the Federal Government began delivery of 200 exotics cars. The cars are for use during the 7th African First Ladies for Peace Mission (AFLPM) summit scheduled for 24 to 27 July in Abuja. Already, African first ladies have begun arriving in the country since weekend for the four-day event.

First Lady Patience Jonathan is the convener of the event, with the theme “The African Woman: A Voice for Peace,” which is expected to be attended by spouses of African leaders.

According to sources, the cars comprise 80 units of BMW X3 and X5 series with a market value of N13.5 million each, while the remaining 120 are exotic models of Honda, Jaguar and others.

It has been gathered that the vehicles were supplied by Coscharis Motors, and 180 units had already been delivered to the Presidential Villa in Abuja as at Saturday. The transaction for the 200 cars was alleged to have been processed by the office of the Minister of State for Finance. However, attempts to seek explanation from the office were not successful as a spokesman declined comment while the minister of state, Dr. Yerima Ngama, did not answer calls to his phone on Monday.

TWO POLICE OFFICERS allegedly having carnal knowledge of 15-year-old girl in Ilesa, Osun State

Two police corporals of the Osun State Police Command are currently cooling their heels in cell for allegedly having carnal knowledge of 15-year-old girl in Ilesa, Osun State.
The Commissioner of Police, Osun State Command, Mrs. Kalafite Adeyemi ordered the arrest of the suspects following the confirmation of their dastardly behavior.
According to information filtering in, the victim, simply identified as Bisola, had been passing by Ayeso Police Station in Ilesa on Tuesday night when the two armed policemen dragged her into their apartment beside the station and allegedly raped her.
Confirming the incident, the state Police Public Relations Officer (PPRO) of the command, Mrs. Sade Odoro, on Wednesday was quoted to have said that “They (policemen) cannot escape because this is a command known for discipline… They were arrested immediately and they have been transferred to Osogbo. Their dismissal is guaranteed. The girl has been taken to the hospital for treatment.”